Welcome to my first Blog entry ever. So mostly this will be me posting about the things I find interesting and important about...snooooooze. Sorry, you're already asleep? Then let us begin with our first segment on Movies.
Okay, here's what you do:
1. Get a DVD/Blu Ray of Conan the Barbarian (If you're lucky, or a glutton for punishment get one that includes Conan the Destroyer). Buy the Complete Quest
2. Gather a group of friends that have seen Conan the Barbarian before.
3. Get a six pack of beer...each.
4. Watch it with the Commentary of John Milius and Arnold Schwarzeneggar
5. Open your mouth in slack-jawed awe as the commentary begins with the deep voice of John Milius: "This is Arnold Schwarzeneggar and I starred in this movie" and the heavily-accented voice of Schwarzie "And this is John Milius and I directed this movie" (pause...pause...pause) "And if you believe that, then...Richard Simmons Jr. is running around out there." Then they laugh uproariously.
6. Drink beer, and realize: THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
This is bar-none the craziest commentary I've ever heard, not only because of what they say, but they take it very seriously. Conan the Barbarian is a gorgeous film, obviously inspired by John Ford's The Searchers (for which director Milius offers a very interesting commentary track), but let's be honest, THIS IS NOT HIGH ART. It's not even true to Robert E. Howard's inspired invention of the embodiment of the wildness of man's nature.
This commentary gave rise to the slogan for the Cheesy Movie Night viewing group to which I belong. At one point Conan (Schwarzeneggar) is running across the screen and Milius blurts out, "Freedom is the Wolves." THERE ARE NO WOLVES ON THE SCREEN! What does this mean? Oh wait, about five minutes later there are the wolves. But really? "Freedom is the wolves?" I know that when I'm chased across a rugged terrain by a group of savage, carniverous, quadrapeds employing advanced pack hunting techniques I'm thinking, "Wow, this is real freedom. Forging my own destiny. No one tells me what to...Ooops!" Trip on rock; faceplant. Now my pitiable muscle mass if filling the body-cavity of the evolutionary brother of a chihuahua. Freedom is the chihuahua! No, doesn't work.
Between Milius saying how amazing the film looks (A phenomenon which happens only every 35 seconds. Do not play a drinking game to this) and Schwarzeneggar saying, "I know. I'm looking at it now," you'll eventually hear Schwarzeneggar refering to Conan's inner monologue "This is where Conan is listening to the women's problems."
Overall, this is a 3 sword commentary (out of 5), but if you listen with friends: 5 swords. I hope one day it will inspire "Conan commentary parties." And always remember my friends:
FREEDOM IS THE WOLVES!
Thanks for the heads-up on this weirdness. Now I must check it out. I know a lot of things are "for the birds," but did not know exactly what was "the wolves." I think it's safe to say that freedom is also the Cat's Meow.
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